The Top Ten Things I've Learned While Living in Mexico (in no particular order)

1. Even one “Choco Krispi” can attract an army of ants, and hoards of other such creatures, if left unattended for more than one minute and 35 seconds.

2.If you are pulled over by the police you may not have actually committed a traffic violation. You could have made the tragic error of driving through Mexico with Colorado “placas” aka “license plates.” (In which case, it is possible to tell them, in an angry and threatening voice, that you are tired of being pulled over for this reason. Then, they will apologize and let you continue on your way.)

3. White people: Always travel with at least one Mexican. Mexicans: Always travel with at least one whitey.

• If you want to rent beach chairs at the beach, have the Mexican ask how much they cost. It will be cheaper because Mexicans in Mexico are not what we consider “tourists.”
• If you want to order a beer or other alcoholic beverage, have the white person ask (only if the whitey is female.) In this case, the beverages will be cheaper.
• If you wish to wander through expensive hotels without being questioned, the white person should wear a sundress with their swimsuit underneath (visible), and adorn their head with the always-lovely, sunglasses-as-headband.

4. It is not against the law for a taxi to have a horn that sounds like the siren of a police car. It is not against the law for them to actually use it either.

5. In Mexico there are no noise ordinances.

6. If you are annoyed because your husband is an innately noisy person, living in a studio apartment with him in a country where there are no noise ordinances seems to amplify the problem.

7. If a Mexican tells you that the salsa is not spicy, don't believe him.

8. It is annoying to have a kitchen sink that does not produce water from the faucet. It is less annoying when you realize that if water is put in this sink it will quickly leak out the bottom and onto the floor.

9. Find out what streets by your house flood over 6 inches high during rainstorms. Then, do not park on these streets during a rainstorm.

10. Appreciate the fact that there is a country that sympathizes with the story of an illegal immigrant worker and supports her unconditionally. (That is, until her tourist visa expires. And since the country never stamped her passport on the way in, there could be serious issues...)